“Guard Your Peace: The High Cost of Carrying Other People’s Chaos”

Every now and then, I run into someone who teaches—not from a pulpit, not from a book, but from the trenches of real life. One of those people is a fellow veteran I’ll call Ken.

Ken and I both served over 20 years in the military. And if the uniform teaches you anything, it’s this: Don’t hand your problems off to others, and always leave a place better than you found it. These are principles we lived and worked by, and while I understand the military hasn't always been that way, it's what we were trained to do during our time.

That’s why when we got to talking—me behind the camera, him sharing war stories of a different kind—it hit deep. Ken opened up about his family, and man, I thought mine was dysfunctional until I heard his.

Ken is the guy everyone in his big ol’ family turns to—not because they want to learn from him, but because they want to lean on him. Permanently.

He told me about how he had to kick his niece and nephew out on two separate occasions. They’d call him constantly after, pretending to check in but always greasing the skids for another ask. This military term means preparing the way, often for a less-than-ideal request.

But then it got darker.

"One of my relatives," he said, "took pictures of our dead loved ones lying in their coffins, just to show me years later… to watch my reaction."

Can you imagine that? Weaponizing grief just to provoke someone, to watch them react to a past, and painfully deep tragedy. That’s not family. That’s emotional terrorism.

Some people in his bloodline seemed to get off on sadness, on watching things fall apart. And Ken? He was supposed to just absorb it all.

Ken even made time to visit one of his nephews doing three years in prison. He drove up monthly, encouraged him, brought hope. The nephew promised:

“Unc, I ain’t never coming back to this place!”

Two years after getting out? He was back inside—this time serving 30 years.

Ken doesn’t shove religion down people’s throats. Like me, he believes in freedom of choice: Go ahead and choose chaos. But don’t deliver the consequences of that chaos to my doorstep.

The Twist: A New Generation, The Same Scheme

Now here’s a twist story.

Ken had never met one of his nephew’s daughters—only seen her in pictures. One day, by chance, they crossed paths. She looked just like her father. No denying it.

She was an adult now. A beautiful young woman. On the surface, full of potential. But as they talked, the truth started leaking out:

• She wasn’t working.

• She lived with her girlfriend, who was paying all the bills.

Her job? She claimed it was to cook and clean, which he thought was a cop-out immediately because in today's economy, unless you are rich, one income isn't enough for two people to live on.

So during this first meeting, Ken didn't say much. He just listened. He knows as well as I do that if you listen long enough, a person will reveal their true motives.

This conversation led to the reality of what she really was about. She wanted to party, run the streets, and live easy while her girlfriend brought in the money and paid all the bills. (WOW!)

About a month after this first meeting, she called. The pity parade began: “We broke up!” “I don’t know where I’m gonna go…” “I’m gonna be homeless…BLAHBLAHBLAHBOOHOO”

Ken already knew what this was. All the SIGNS were there. And he simply said, “Well, I hope everything works out for you.”

You see, this whole time she knew she had an uncle nearby. What she didn't know is that he was relatively successful after 20+ years in the military, a supportive spouse, and good financial investments in real estate. She didn't know he had a beautiful house, but summed everything up because she saw Ken's car. In Ken's case, he drove high-end cars, and he lived in an area known to have beautiful, and very large homes.

As soon as she realized this, she began to scope him out as her backup plan.

Here’s the thing she failed to realize: That nice house? That luxury vehicle? That’s Ken’s PEACE. Something he earned. Something he built after surviving real war—military and family, and making smart investments. And it was obvious, she was the kind of person wanting for FREE, what someone else has EARNED through HARD WORK and SACRIFICE.

These kinds of people will never admit it. Instead, they will paint this horrible, heartbreaking picture of their life, hoping that "you" offer a solution in the form of money, time, or resources. In this way, they can honestly say to themselves, and to you, "they didn't ask...it was you that offered." These people are natural born "users".

A conversation with them can be like meeting a traffic cop directing traffic. They won't necessarily verbally say go in a particular direction, but they're definitely pointing in the direction they want you to go.

It's Not Just Ken

And Ken’s not alone. I myself have had nieces and nephews, sibilings and "friends", that have done the same thing. They pretend they’re working on something big, like school, and how they are studying to get an expensive and prestigious degree, then follow their story with: “But my disability, MY HEALTH PROBLEMS,” (add cough here) “won’t ALLOW me work.”

So let me get this straight: You’re going into debt for a degree to get a good job… But you can’t actually work? And you want to bring those health problems into my home?

That’s not a plan. That’s a scheme.

I won't play that game.

As for school, some of these folks will use financial aid as a crutch.

Let me give you an Example:

Lets say, financial aid pays $10,000 a semester. The schools tuition is only $3,000 a semester. The remaining $7,000 can be stretched, with a small part-time job, until the following semester where this injection of $10,000 occurs again. By the time they are done with school, they've racked up over $100,000 in debt, which MUST BE PAID BACK!

Once a person starts on this path, they will CONTINUALLY be going to school, which they will proudly tell everyone, but they won't say their actually stuck in this cycle of using financial aid, to live on.

Folks, this is NOT how financial aid is suppose to work!

I've Seen This Movie Before

What I've learned is these folks are usually terrified of rejection. They’ll never ask you directly for what they want. Why? Because they already know it’s unreasonable. Because deep down, they’re not looking for help—they’re looking to use you.

So they won’t say: “Can I move in with you?” “Can you pay this bill for me?” “Can you do this for me?” Except in one case for me, I had a relative straight up ask, "can I come live with you for about 5-6 months until I get on my feet, but I can't pay anything, or give you any kind of money."

And the obvious answer was NO because what you are really asking is to come and live with me, I foot all your bills, feed you, put a roof over your head, let you use my utilities and take care of you like you are my child...but I can't tell you what to do. Just a free for you, but a bill for me. NO THANKS!

My daughter whom I love dearly, will come home for one weekend, and I will actually see my electric, and water bill spike for the time she's in the house. THAT'S JUST THE WEEKEND!

Instead, they’ll give you a sob story so thick you SEE it floating in the air. One with just enough tragedy to tug at your decency, but carefully scrubbed clean of the one sentence that would make it honest:

“This whole situation is my fault, and it’s the result of my own choices.”

You’ll never hear those words because my answer will forever be, "you - are -

GROWN!"

• Grabbing Everything You Can

• Rejecting All Responsiblity

• Overlooking Everyone Else

• Wasting Precious Time

• Never Truly Changing

Additionally, the word "GROWN", has the word "OWN" built right into it! So, since you are GROWN, you need to be on your OWN!

It was hard work to dig the hole in your life, now work hard to dig your way out!

In their cases, it’s always someone else, something else, somewhere else, some unfair twist of fate they didn't see coming because they-did-everything-right.

I’m not a heavy social media person, but the few times I've scrolled through, I see the same folks now asking for "assistance," living it up just a while ago. Vacations, tattoos, seafood towers, fancy restaurants, club nights, drinking, smoking, just having a good old time!

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with enjoying life. Nothing wrong with vacations. Nothing wrong with partying. BUT EVERY WEEKEND? 3 AND 4 VACATIONS A YEAR? Why is your stress so high? What are you doing to require needing so much off time and relaxation? 

And how do you go from living large to calling me like I’m FEMA or Bank of America?

Let me tell you how: They spend THEIR money on BS! They aren't thinking about tomorrow, next week, or next year. They are thinking about the here and now, and NOW, they want to live large because "You Only Live Once" or, as one of my nieces would say, "I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE!" This is the same niece that called saying "uncle, can you come and get me!" The same one that still owes me over $800. The same one that snubbed me at a family funeral. The same one that I bought a living room set after going to her place, and seeing she had kids, but no furniture.

When they finally do reach out, they aren't really looking for advice or guidance. They're seeking once again money, time, or resources. They steer the conversation like a guided missile. They know what they want but will never ask for it directly. What they will do is start laying out their “situation” like bait: “I just got out of a breakup…” “My car broke down…” “I’m waiting for my check…” “All my stuff’s in storage…”, "I lost my job...", "the economy is tough...", "I'm sick...".

What they are looking for is you to say: “Hey, come stay with me until you get on your feet” or “Let me cover that bill for you and you can pay me back later” or “LET ME TAKE ON YOUR BURDEN, AND HANDLE IT FOR YOU.” They’ll never suggest something they could do to fix their issue because they want you to be the hero, and come to their rescue.

They know exactly what they’re doing. They’re engineering the outcome. If you offer, they want to walk away having zero responsibility for any negative consequences that WILL arise.

And there WILL be issues and problems, BECAUSE:

-THEY ARE THE ISSUE!

-THEY ARE THE PROBLEM!

Any problems they bring is now your fault. Not theirs. They never asked for your help. It was YOUR idea for them to come and live with you. It was "your gift" of money or time. They want to know how "you" would handle it, and if it requires them doing something different or something other than what they had in mind, then they will steer the conversation back into the loop, until you finally say the words they want to hear.

How would I have handled that situation? I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INTO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! As the saying goes:

"An OUNCE of prevention is worth, a POUND of cure."

And remember, it was "bad choices" that got them into the situation they are in. That's not going to change just because they are under your roof, in your pocket, or wasting your time.

You've traded your peace for their chaos.

Wisdom from the Trenches

This universe offers all of us ways to learn and gain wisdom. Much of the time, that wisdom comes through time, effort, and pain. That's basically it when it comes to wisdom and understanding.

I've learned, every time you "help" someone out by taking on their burden, you also take any lessons, wisdom, and understanding they would have gained which could have taken them to their next level. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against "helping" anyone. I'm against TAKING ON THEIR BURDENS, simply because THEIR BURDENS are usually something THEY created, and could have AVOIDED!

I have a story for you!

A few years ago, one of my family members I hadn't talked to for YEARS suddenly started calling me out of the blue. It was good that they were still alive, but I hadn't seen them since I was a child. They DIDN'T come to OUR parents' funeral. They DIDN'T come to any of OUR BROTHERS' funerals. They DIDN'T come to OUR SISTERS' funeral.

I later learned the constant calling was again, "greasing the skids" to make the "ask" easier. The "ask" finally came about 2 years into this new relationship. They actually wanted me to travel 10 hours from my home, get them, and take them 8 States away. Oh, let me not forget to add that they had 3 storage units filled with crap, even though they were living in a homeless shelter.

Before the "ask," during our conversations, they had already communicated to me:

• What they couldn't do.

• How hard a time they were having moving about physically, and just doing day-to-day things.

• How disabled they were from not being able to walk, to the fact that they were blind. "The blindness is another story within itself!"

  
  

So, I asked directly, "so you want me to drive 10 hours, rent a U-Haul, load 3 storage units of your stuff, then drive you, and the stuff, 8 states away?

Additionally, you want me to then unload the stuff to a place unknown to neither of us because you don't have a place to take the stuff yet, and you want me to do it all by myself?"

And they actually answered with "YES...but I can pay you!"

In my mind, I went directly to HELL NO! And, "if you can pay me, you can pay a real mover!" AND if you can pay for a real mover, in addition to 3 storage units, WHY ARE YOU HOMELESS! AND HOW DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME IF YOU'RE BLIND?

You see, they were planning to pay me "A LOT LESS" if anything, than any mover would charge, BUT at the same time expect "A LOT MORE." In the end, they became someone else's problem, and how they became someone else's problem is another story in itself!

Principles of Peace

Ken and I live by a simple principle: If you see chaos coming, elevate your alert level to HIGH.

We've learned to treat people like we treat driving on the highway. You ever see a traffic pod? That clump of cars that always seems one lane change away from disaster? We stay away from traffic pods. Why? Because you can see the wreck before it happens.

When you see someone constantly asking for advice and never taking it—you don’t keep advising. You observe. Stand back. Let their true motives surface. Because they always do.

Lessons Learned: Crafting Your Peace

1. Peace is not charity—it’s craftsmanship. You don’t just find it. You build it. And you don’t let freeloaders tear it down, because they will.

2. People will reveal themselves during comfort, as well as in crisis. Look at how they treat the ones footing the bill. Look at their surroundings, their environment. Listen to their words, and how they use them. The respect they give you, or even themselves. Are they surrounded by crap? Do they bathe regularly? Do they take care of their teeth, their possessions, their bodies? Are they lazy? Do they listen...to anyone? Do they listen to themselves? These are all signs. It's a preview of how they’ll treat you if you decide to bring them into your life.

   • Ken told me of one of his nephews he met for the first time. This kid, over 20 years old, didn't bathe. He felt "o'naturale" was the way to go. This kid wanted Ken to take him in, not knowing the clue to the future with him was how he presented himself NOW!

     
     

   • In another situation, Ken happened to allow a relative to come and stay with him for a month. He didn't know that the relative had a dog. Additionally, he didn't know that the relative slept with the dog and wouldn't change his mind regardless of who was saying, "it's not your bed, room or house man!"

     
     

   • In yet another situation, Ken allowed a relative to come live with him, and the guy, having a bathroom IN his room, crapped in the middle of the floor and urinate in bottles, to be stored under his bed. These are the actions of an adult that was in the process of "IN YOUR FACE" disrespect!

     
     

3. You can’t make someone want wisdom. Like the African proverb says:

   
   

   “Wisdom is chasing you, but you keep outrunning it.”

   
   

   This goes for everyone that can't learn from past mistakes.

   
   

4. Not every cry for help is a cry for growth. Sometimes, it’s a call to dump their consequences in your lap. In Ken's case, the nephew and niece he kicked out both called years later, on separate occasions, asking if he could come and get them. In the beginning, Ken assumed that they were in his city, but WRONG! Both of them were 4 and 5 states west of him! What NERVE!

   
   

5. Trust your gut. Recognize repeat patterns faster. Most importantly, stop confusing family name with real family. Because in the end, blood doesn’t make them safe. Behavior does.

And protecting your peace in this life isn’t selfish.

It’s survival.